@Jamberee13

My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!

Me: oh cool what are they?

Grandma:

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@FunnyCauseImFat

My wife fell asleep during American Idol, so I got up like a fat ninja and turned hockey on. Then, I whispered to myself “I run this house”

@TheBoydP

I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.

@Papa_Mex

You think Minnie Mouse ever got drunk & decided to bang Goofy after a Disney mixer?

-Was the last time my boss asked me for my thoughts

@Marlebean

At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?

@Ilovelamp1979

This could be the LSD talking, but I’m pretty sure I’d be more comfortable riding on the roof of the car.

@Sir_Strange

“No pressure, but my happiness is totally dependent on you.”

– soulmates

@adamochoa

*makes 58008 on an abacus and turns it upside down* dammit

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

@DaddyJew

Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good

Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it

Me: oh is there? *winks*

@jodecicry

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken