My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
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First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another