My wife fell asleep during American Idol, so I got up like a fat ninja and turned hockey on. Then, I whispered to myself “I run this house”
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I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
You think Minnie Mouse ever got drunk & decided to bang Goofy after a Disney mixer?
-Was the last time my boss asked me for my thoughts
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
This could be the LSD talking, but I’m pretty sure I’d be more comfortable riding on the roof of the car.
“No pressure, but my happiness is totally dependent on you.”
*makes 58008 on an abacus and turns it upside down* dammit
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken