My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
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Always a metermaid never a meter
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
