Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope

Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.

I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints

Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”

And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”

Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.

If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.

If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.

Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.

Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.

An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.

It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.

Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.

I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored

[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]

friend: holly shit. everything is gone

me: i’m gonna try out for the nba

friend: what

me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it

Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [scanning menu] what page are u on

My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.

Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.

Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.

Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”

My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”

Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.

me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead

friend: it’s cool, we have a map

me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.

Me:

Note: *coughs*

Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.

I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.

me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol

waiter:

me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha

waiter: where are ur clothes

God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”