Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

“I’m so sorry”

“No, I’m really sorry”

“No, I’m even sorrier than you”

“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”

*mutual hug*

-Canadian rap battle

Me: I’m totally getting used to this

Husband: getting used to what?

Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff

Husband: again getting used to what?

[Silence]

Me: I hate you

If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots

I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him

I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.

I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?

Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?

Me: No, I-

Server: Cauliflower soda?

Me: I just wanted to-

Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband

if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base

Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.

[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!

@funTweeters

Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.

My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.

-my suicide note

Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run

The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.

Waiter: And how did you find the wine?

Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table

I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.

Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.

Again.

getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point

At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.

Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.

Two types of dogs.

I like to send homemade gifts to people.

Which one of my kids do you want?

“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”