Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk

In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.

“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game

Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.

My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch

My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw

It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄

I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”

Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!

Godspeed, John Glenn

6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?

Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!

6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!

You know I’m all about that bass,

‘Bout that bass…

I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.

Every. Damn. Time.

why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?

Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.

Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.

~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland

My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro

Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.

How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.

When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.

Pro tip for my good boys out there

There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil

Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.

A work from home email:

Dear mom,

Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.

Best,

Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations

My swear jar is having a very profitable week.

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.