My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
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My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
in the divorce i get custody of the little plate in the microwave
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.