Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP

[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES

“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”

– my voicemail message

just had a chilling thought… do br*t*sh and canadian people call it ‘dragon ball zed’ 🤢

FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is

I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?

You an Obituary liar.

That means you DEAD@$$ lying

Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶

Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there

I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.

They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.

date: wow nice body

me: i like working out

date: it shows

me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho

When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.

Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.

Her: He liked to ride fish?!

It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.

ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.

STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.

I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter

Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.

SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL

upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case

karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple

[later]

my bully brad: you’re stupid

me: where is your place of worship

[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car

Jason: Honey?

Wife: Mmmm?

Jason: Where is my hockey mask?

W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete

J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.

“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism

Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette

if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.

“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name

It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.