My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
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Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
I have no passwords left in me
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.