My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
You Might Also Like
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
I can’t be the only one 😂
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Who Keeps Pooping In My Driveway At Midnight I Know It’s A Person I Know What Human Poop Looks Like But Who Would Do That And Why Why The Driveway Exactly Plus Each Time They Poop A Little Further Than My Hose Will Reach So It’s Harder to Clean
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
