Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🖤✌🏽

“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists

“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”

[whole room] “AFTER ME”

“Ok fellas, lets start here”

Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.

ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?

HER: I don’t even like you now

“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.

If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.

Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.

Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.

Me: What lockdown?

imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in

I’m listening

Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times

I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older

Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?

If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.

[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”

People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.

From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”

This one takes the trophy 😭😭

Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?

I just saw three bowls of dessert.

I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun

Camping?
No thank you.

If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.

I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”

just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread

make sure its switched to “on”

[first day in the crime lab]

me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists

People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.