Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}

PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news

CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor

Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to

PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers

WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu

I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.

*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex

Cop lights are so pretty at night

“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.

“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.

“Excited to be here!” I tell him.

The host eyes me. “Are you?”

My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.

“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.

Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS

there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true

I know a horrible idea when I see it.

Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan

ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.

I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool

me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]

fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO

Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?

Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.

Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.

I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.

if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* endorphins

Me: No, just whales

You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.

A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.