Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section

My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk

Me: what about

My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.

Bruh 😭😭😭😭

Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.

5: I need you to give me some money.

Me: Why?

5: Let me worry about that.

Finished stitching this today 😇

The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding

My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that’s a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what’s the answer?

Me: Sarcasm

Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”

Me: “Literally just name one.”

*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*

my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.

i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.

If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…

Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.

Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES

Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date

Blind Date: WHAT

Me: Kind of like a big raisin

He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.

it be like that

I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.

Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

(my very first day as President)

Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh

Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.

Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.

Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.

*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*

There are probably millions of songs in existence.

radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?

My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…

the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.

I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂