Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.

airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb

“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow

I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.

My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.

“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it

Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness

$175 an hour, $175 an hour…

– my therapist’s notes

ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!

ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.

Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey

Him: that’s neat

Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool

Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.

Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws

Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]

Fred: MY DAUGHTER!

good morning

One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.

We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.

Let’s see if he notices.

*kicks the door in*

PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR

roses are red

violets are blue

the jerk store called

theyre running out of you

A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.

“Have you tried drinking more water?”

is the new

“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”

of health advice.

Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away

Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.

Husband:

*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*

Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.

[Justice League HQ]

SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight

MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes

“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.

Therapist: healing isn’t linear

Me: what if I pay extra?

I was living in the moment until I was evicted.

“I’m really good in bed”

-Ice cream

[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*

Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.