Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling

ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft

Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules

There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.

Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand

Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?

Yes.

I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?

I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants

Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.

I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .

Well… I can’t see that taking off…

[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking

A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.

I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.

Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo

The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”

Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned

My kids:

*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?

Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*

My family: what’s the occasion?

Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands

Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”

Actually I just wanna check the court websites

Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.

Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon

9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?

me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.

9yo: like clothes?

me: no they don’t have clothes there.

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.

I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.

WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*

Me: You ate radishes.

Friend: How can you tell?

Me: You’re burping them.

F: They were really good radishes.

Me: Not from where I’m standing.