My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
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Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point