Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.

her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin

me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard

I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:

My kids don’t live there.

Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.

SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife

Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.

I wanted to start writing a sewing blog

But I lost my thread

Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure

I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”

Griddle me this!!

– Batman villain ordering breakfast.

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.

A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.

I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.

He is ready

#meowed #TheMeowedClub

I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.

I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…

I never knew those were synonyms.

is this how new cars are made??

This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live

Wait…was it my left or your left?

-me as a surgeon

I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.

I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.

Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.

🫠

[interviewing to be a lifeguard]

me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶

interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?

Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.

Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream

Professor: That’s him, officers

I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing

Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic

Worm: wait we’re eating what

If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.

My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.