My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
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Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Brands during Pride
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.