Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs

Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.

I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken… what

Me: what

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.

I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.

inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious

Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.

The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.

we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true

*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”

Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented

Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.

Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle

Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.

Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.

me: going to the gym

friend: but it’s 2AM

me: got to exercise my demons

Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)

Me: Mmm, this tastes good.

Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!

“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”

*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*

If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.

Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.

I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits

Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.