@LostFelicia

My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.

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@ArfMeasures

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

@BigJDubz

My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”

@AndyRichter

If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved

@mrtruthandsoul

5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.

@punmagnate

Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that

@Swishergirl24

My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.

@Lhlodder

Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.

–Moms