Boss: What do you think happened here?
Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
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WIAT THIS MEME HAD A FULL STORY?????????????
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Hope I got my ticket….