My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
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If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
omg leave her alone
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
These work great until they don’t.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!