Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week

me: *vacuums a little faster*

PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)

At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.

“To each their own”

Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.

Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.

Recycling bottles.

Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest

Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic

“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”

[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]

*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:

“You did the best you could.”

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.

This is what makes twitter great

Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”

ME: *lying on deathbed*

DEATH: get off my bed

If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.

I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.

I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back

You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.

When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”

my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡

Wife: There is something wrong with you

Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson

There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.

I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.

her: i love croissants

me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too

“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”

And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.