Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.

You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.

Bird: Good morning! How are you?

Me: Oh my God! You can talk!

Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.

Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

Every
Single
Year

Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.

Son: I’m gay, dad.

Dad: no I’m gay dad

Dad #2: no I’m gay dad

[garage sale]

ME: can I leave my children as collateral

LADY: you haven’t bought anything

#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please

Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!

My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.

It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams

We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”

Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.

My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12

What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space

What element do criminals hate to see?

Copper

This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?

I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers

Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?

My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style

Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file

US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what

I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.

My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.

There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.

“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.