MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
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Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?