Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh

JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.

STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!

We will we will drink you

STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!

*pours vodka after bad day*

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.

[during sex]

HER: can you turn off the light

ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet

cop: where u headed

me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat

cop: [handing me his gun] good luck

The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

*at reading of my will*

Executor: *opens envelope*

‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’

Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?

hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla

I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today

There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.

Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.

So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.

I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..

*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*

My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”

The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.

[dinner party]

*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*

Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.

#CarrotDay

*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*

Him:*middle finger*

Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED

Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!

My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.

Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost

Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life

Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?

Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email

the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined

BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*

Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs

My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.