My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
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Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
[first day at CIA]
Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?
[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]
I’ve been drinking.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Oh, I bet you would be
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…