My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
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I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
notice
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
me before I type out affect or effect
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.