My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
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Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
My first son he is wonderful
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.