My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
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#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Rare photo of two submarines racing
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
We really need to find out who the person responsible for coming up with the “Jump To Recipe” button on cooking websites is and set a day aside so we can properly honor them for the wonderful thing they did for society.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
bat life
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.