My grandma used to say: āNever stand behind a cow when itās windy or your face will be covered with frecklesā.š
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Itās not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Donāt think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess Iām still on for the smashmouth concert
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i donāt like your girlfriend
*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*
My oldest has said āwatch thisā 212 times
My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds
A woman screams in the distance āJaden, Jaxonā
There is still no bar
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles itās just like more work to them
*watching our 7yoās softball game*
Me: Whereās our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
If you canāt handle me at my worst youāre really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since sheās not wrong Iām wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain weāll probably eventually evolve to fly.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I canāt, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WEāLL COME BACK LATER.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Me: being single is bad for the environment. Youāre heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: Iām not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, itās knocked out a window into the sea*
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I apparently said ākeratinā instead of āketamineā when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
The opposite of a meat loverās pizza is a veggie haterās pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldnāt go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I donāt know
Him: enough to break the ice, my nameās John.
Me: soās mine.