Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please be on notice:

From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.

People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?

Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.

Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.

Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.

Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!

Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages

just arby’s bein’ a bro

My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]

Niece: do you have a friend?

this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”

Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.

First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.

I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.

I take after my dad.

Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..

I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy

I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.

The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”

Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you

My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”

That is because they also stole the fence.

“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.

Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.

A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.

I came.

I saw.

I lost a banana.

The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.

The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.

Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?

4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.