Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.

*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*

I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party

Loan officer: What’s your social?

Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.

Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*

Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*

I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove

If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.

#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine

I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion

This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”

If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.

SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]

I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.

My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.

This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.

Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi

Chameleon: hold on.

I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”

“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”

–dogs

If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.

*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*

*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*

*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*

harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ

Not telling the NYPD how to do their job but if they really wanted to catch the guy they should have offered free healthcare as a reward

Her: I bet you forgot it.

Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]

Her: ?

Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?

Her: NO

I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.

son: dad sing me a song

me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS

wife from the other room: JEANS

me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR

wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR

me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER

Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.

Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.

Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?

Her: No.

Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?

I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.

Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did

“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.