My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
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Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Geez man, take it easy.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.