Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.

11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day

Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”

I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.

Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:

Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.

Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.

Change my mind.

It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.

Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass

If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.

Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.

Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:

My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.

Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.

I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.

Worst Native American name ever.

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.

My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.

There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.

Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.

A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.

In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.

Me: Delete it!

Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.

Him: Did you poop in the shower?

Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?

H: Well who else could it be?

M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?

H: Oh that makes more sense.

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.

Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong

Me: challenge accepted.

Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too

Me: Be still you have something on your face.

4: Is it a snail?

Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?

4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.

At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now

If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.