Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interview]

Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked

“Why are you naked?”

dammit

Her : You hang up first.

Me : *click*

“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.

Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”

fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks

Smiles from ear to ear.

Wife: what are you smiling about?

Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard

Wife: God I love that dog.

ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!

KIDS: we do!

M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up

I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.

My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.

My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.

Hope he finds a ride home.

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls

Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”

Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”

Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”

can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)

Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?

On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”

them: our youngest is 73 months.

me: what’s that in human people years

How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?

Using a Luigi board!

if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout

ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.

Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.

Don’t do that.

Can’t. Being lazy.

Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it

Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.

PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET

Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!

Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?

Me: Absolutely.

*gel pack explodes*

Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.