My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
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Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Covid like
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”