My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
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You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
#Caturday
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.