Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?

Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.

How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?

Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.

That’s how the fight started

me: you misspelled school

8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word

me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far

I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”

[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.

when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.

I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”

Me trying to “trust the process”

Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.

My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.

Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?

Me: *defensively* I have been using-

Wife: Not as a coaster

Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink

Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.

Table for one, please.

Ma’am, your family is right behind you.

I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.

Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.

Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’

When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”

Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.

wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry

Hell yeah 👍

I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions

I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”

if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.

[airport]

GF: I guess this is goodbye

ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes

GF: [crying] Goodbye

ME: [trying real hard] Hello

[Hears kids approaching]

Me: Think we can outrun them?

Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.