Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?

Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?

Interviewer: You’re hired!

Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task

I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.

Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.

Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence

All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

what’s in a name?

Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.

My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice

he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff

[At Justice League headquarters]

Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?

Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]

The Flash: [runs to the ATM]

Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]

Batman: WTF dude

I like my women how I like my straws ….

Bendy and full of liquor.

*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on

My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.

Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.

“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”

-how vodka was born

my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

“I’m thinking about having a baby.”

“You should get a dog.”

“As a sort of test?”

“No. You should just get a dog.”

Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits

She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.

Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.

If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.

“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”

me texting friend: ooh what happened?!

friend: *sends elaborate voice note *

me to myself: guess I’ll never know

Perfect.

“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”

“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk

my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder