My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
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I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand