My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
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[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.
When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.
Here’s the picture I used for the ad.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Hamburger Hinderer.
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.