Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s

Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.

I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.

men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again

women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,

watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence

at least we don’t have to save for college

*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”

Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?

I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?

that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)

Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*

“single and ready to mingle”

thank you so much for the warning

The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.

How many light bulbs does it take to change people?

me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself

her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon

I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.

if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks

The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.

The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.

The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.

Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.

Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.

They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that

Not all heroes wear capes…

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.