My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
You Might Also Like
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN