Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Morning all.

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”

Someone: how are you?

Me: thanks, you too.

[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L

Me: *your

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E

me: i had an accident

insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants

Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳

Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat

ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5

12YO: that’s not how it works

ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?

12YO: both?

What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?

I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.

Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar

Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.

~my new handbag

“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.

I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams

Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.

*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.

I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.

Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update

*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”

AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.

me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around

child (pukes up Easter candy):

me: ok that’s it!

Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”

Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.

ME: *holding door wide open for her*

HER: Are you saying I’m fat?

It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

– Doctors

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English

You are not alone 💚

shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”

My husband and I are having a serious fight.

Do you think I should let him know about it?