Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy

I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now

People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.

5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?

me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves

My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs

So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer

My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”

Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.

Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?

A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”

oh u like history? name everything that happened

If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night

I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”

Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?

Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.

Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.

When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

*tucks napkin into my shirt*

This meal could get messy.

Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.

People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.

I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.

The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.

[World War One]

Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”

And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile

6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.

If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.

Level of high: 7/10

My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.

The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.

You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.

In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.

According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4