Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Satan…

For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.

someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why

I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.

sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance

Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET

Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character

Him: ok so your password needs to be

Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test

I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off

[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know

me: I miss handshakes

cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty

“i am a sweet baby”

They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.

I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.

My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”

Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️

Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.

Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.

Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.

[first time in a bed]

me: this blanket is really heavy

salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains

I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.

We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”

HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?

ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything

“Describe yourself in 4 words.”

Bad at counting.

One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage

the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child

my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s

my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/

Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?

“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head

When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around

My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”

[first day as a billionaire]

Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero

Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?