Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:

cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws

Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”

Also Americans:

[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]

*breaks wind*

Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”

I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps

Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there

yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses

[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment

receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month

me: ok I’ll hold

If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”

Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”

Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”

They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple

As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.

Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.

me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here

therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?

me: haha right on, cya guys

wife: wha-

therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?

People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.

My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.

Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”

My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?

“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”

this is supposed to be an 18 year old

gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*

I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe