My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
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[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.