My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
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Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Discuss
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?