Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.

Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.

Navy: (subtweets)

Army: (helicoptertweets)

Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.

*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *

Why does everyone on this bus hate me?

My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison

i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.

Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.

WIFE: I’m leaving you

CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*

ME: Is it because of-

WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl

SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD

“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”

I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.

People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old

[dinner party]

GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.

ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?

[everyone slowly turns their head]

Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”

Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?

wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”

Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that

One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.

Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!

-my baby

my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food

That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast

[ping pong]

ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time

Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.

It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.

When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.

Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.

If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.

Tis the season where I eat and drink everything in sight and am then shocked and dismayed when my pants are too tight.