Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(gathered around the campfire, 1876)

Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon

Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.

My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.

Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.

I never understood why chefs wear white.

I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.

Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.

Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?

Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?

I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…

devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up

age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch

age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks

My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something

Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.

They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials

Prosecutor: I object

Me: No, you a person

Judge: On what grounds?

Me: The courthouse grounds

Judge: I’m ordering you-

Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad

Judge: Bailiff, take him out

Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol

Ah..makes sense now

I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?

Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what

I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.

She’s bardcore.

Hot singles in your area are eating chili.

had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”

Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…

The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..

Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean

After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.

captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.

Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do

Bitcoin. Toothurt.