My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
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Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Baked and Naked are pronounced differently despite being Americans very favorite things.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?