Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less

Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.

**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin

As a kid: what tf does that mean?

Turns 40: ohhhhh

STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant

DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…

STICK BUG WIFE: …and?

DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick

911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..

Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat

ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course

sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now

I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”

tinder profile where the fish is holding me

In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.

Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there

[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

This is still funny.

Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.

Condescending:

(adj) showing patronizing superiority

(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.

everyone’s a critic

I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.

My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*

they should invent a hydrating liquor

i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent

millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.

[on the train]

Conductor: Ticket please

Me: *hands it over*

C: Lady this is a speeding ticket

M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train

Hey IKEA,

Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.

ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong

SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you

ME: *under breath* damn, son

I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals