Advice from a gas station attendant in Tennessee to avoid Coronavirus: “take a shot of Wild Turkey 101 before bed. It kills everything.”
My grandmother reads obituary column in the newspaper everyday. It is pretty much like searching for your childhood friends on Facebook.
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Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Just saw 666 on a license plate and, in case you guys were wondering, Satan drives a Jeep.
is your name melissa?
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
My father put a lot of pressure on me as a child. He used to say stuff like “You’re five years old? When I was your age I was six!”
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No