Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
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ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.