My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
You Might Also Like
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.