My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
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I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
groan^2
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them