My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
You Might Also Like
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea