Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.

Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.

*click

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing

I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.

Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?

Me: Absolutely not.

Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *sound of footsteps running away*

Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.

If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.

Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”

Me at 7:30:

*Cooks dinner for family*

Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm

TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die

Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*

I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.

Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings

Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer

911: omg

Me: omg

911: “an” murderer haha

Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it

You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.

Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.

Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM

Obama: Please just wave.

Biden:

Wait a second…

road rage

Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you

Me: Where was he?

Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car

Me *impressed* he really went for it

Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store

What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?

Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all

DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad

😅😅😅

I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.

COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife

You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.