Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: my parents aren’t home

911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

[after a zombie encounter]

me: you gotta shoot me

friend: but what if we find a cure

me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please

me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog

midwife: no, you won’t

I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.

me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner

telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back

I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?

A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…

One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!

wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35

I throw rocks from my glass horse.

Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.

Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.

Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*

Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.

Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.

I fold.

Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.

Is he dead?

Is he dead?

Is she dead?

Is HE dead?

What about him?

Is SHE dead?

-My kids watching 80s music videos.

no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.

I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.

I made a new rule at dinner tonight.

Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.

It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.

me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today

platter of various cheeses:

I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never

I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.

Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade

You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m stupid

“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”

HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?

Me: release the kraken!

Friend: what’s a kraken?

Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.