My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
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{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
A roof is a house hat.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.