Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper

Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”

(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god

I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.

Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power

Leia: By blowing up my planet?

Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation

Leia: NOOO!!!

Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”

I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.

It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.

Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ

The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.

[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.

first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong

Meanwhile in Heaven…

Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.

will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer

Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.

Alarm clock set for 6:00 am

Bladder set for 5:54 am

on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me

I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?

My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.

[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]

doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI

TI’s daughter: a what

doctor: UTI

TI: no I’m TI

psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed

I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.

It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.

I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.

“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.

having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here