My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
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Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Cold.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
My dad’s son is like a brother to me.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me