Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.

I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!

I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.

While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.

They grow up so fast.

I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?

I like to send homemade gifts to people.

Which one of my kids do you want?

Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.

I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”

*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol

Apparently, this is how the world ends.

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!

SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!

ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!

SPOUSE: *already running*

Boss: Did you have anything to add?

Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.

Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?

DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.

ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.

DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.

I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.

just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf

dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts

I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.

Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.

Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:

My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.

Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach

Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.

I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!

That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that

Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?

They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.

The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs

3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.

Me: Which one, buddy?

3: Any of them.

I’m an asshole.

Sent from my Apple Watch