My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
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You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
True freaking story!
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.