My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
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Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.