my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
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3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
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Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak![]()
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.