Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much

Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?

I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**

*me
**National Cheesecake Day

So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.

I’m really not seeing the down side here.

Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!

First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n

Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?

Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!

Captain: *sniff* Yarrr

ME: I have an appointment for 1:30

RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?

ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you

Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.

Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else

i can’t wait that long

I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.

The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.

How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???

A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM

Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.

Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside

Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.

ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait

*Relationship status*

Me: I’m heading off now.

Wife: Yayyy.

A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…

repaired

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.

Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.

my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.

My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.

*Feels the chill*

Chill: I have a boyfriend

[Family game night]

Grandma: what are the rules?

Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head

Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?

I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.

Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*

Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*