Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.

Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime

I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.

Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.

[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD

When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.

i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this

My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.

THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?

ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy

Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.

Still cracks me up

if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?

If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.

I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

*dies and gets to hell*

I really thought I’d lived a good life.

*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*

Oh yeah. Fair enough.

[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER

Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name

wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.

Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired

me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS

wife: quit blasphlegming

If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her

date: i think i’ve been here before

me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant

date: i’m definitely having deja vu

me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please

I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.

My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.