my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
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Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
What’s the point buying it then?
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
