Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat

#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me

ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]

10: this is nice dad

me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.

10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?

me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]

I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning

Me: I love you..Marry Me!

Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.

Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.

Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car

Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.

Boss: Thought she died last month?

Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.

Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.

my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that

I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.

…u ok Nintendo?

3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it

*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes

Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?

Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.

Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.

Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.

How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?

Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.

[visiting Hell as a tourist]

Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs

Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled

Satan: congratulations you get to stay here

Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.

Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.

Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.

1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos

wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner

Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.

i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.

🙉🙈🙊

Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News

Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore

Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not

New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.

I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.