My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
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Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
no one likes gloating
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.