Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now

Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.

Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded

Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me

Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY

Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.

I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.

Reasons I visit a TL:

1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

eating my hot dog hamburger style

[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight

[11:00pm] yay i did it!

[11:01pm] *preheats oven*

When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done

Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text

me: our first night as man and wife

bride: you know what that means 😉

me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this

bride: what

me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel

spouse: why

me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage

I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.

Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.

[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless

ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them

COP: yes but please don’t cup my face

*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.

My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign

I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents

“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”

The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.

Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.

I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile

My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.

Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.

Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.

ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.

WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.

ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.

Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.

I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.

Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.