My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
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GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..