My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
You Might Also Like
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Duolingo getting serious.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.