My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
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The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Just me?
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
That earthquake could have been an email.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
*orders delivery*
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE