Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere

When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by

I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.

I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.

@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!

[in my bedroom]

Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*

Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?

Me: I just told you

I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?

In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.

It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”

Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?

Me: I’m in morning

Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide

I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird

ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”

YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants

My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account

Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.

When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.

HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK

HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK

HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK

HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK

HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES

HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING

OHHHHHHHH

Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick

Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?

getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it

My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”

The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?

My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL

“You make me so wet.”

– me, to my shower.

Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.

Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.

Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*

HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals

People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.

5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March