My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
You Might Also Like
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
This forever.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.