My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
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If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Whoops
