Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.

PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.

*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”

I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.

It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.

My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.

She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.

I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀

Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul

My therapist: no

This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.

-talking to drunks & puppies

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

[first day as therapist]

patient: i’m in a weird place

me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap

There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours

boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift

and this one

I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug

*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?

Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours

I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment

I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “

Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?

7: are eggs vegetables?

10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!

“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly

“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100

Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”

Me: “No thank you.”

Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”

Me: “I’m in.”

Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?

Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.

Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.

Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.

You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.